Moment With Mel: Weird Mother’s Day
This weekend was weird. I was sick all last week and I’m still not 100%, so I’m sure that contributed to the weirdness of this weekend. Very rarely does Mother’s Day make me sad. My mom is still living, thank goodness, and we talk almost every day. But this weekend I was a bit melancholy.
Over the last few days, I’ve seen lots of pictures on Facebook of my friend’s kids going to prom, coming home after their first year of college, graduating college….and I’m so happy for all of them! But I think seeing all the pictures contributed to my sadness. I don’t have kids, and as I get older, I realize there are so many things I’ll never experience.
Usually this doesn’t get to me, but this weekend it did. When I was 35, I was diagnosed with Graves Disease which is an autoimmune disease that screws up your thyroid. For years I knew something was wrong, but doctor’s couldn’t figure it out. They’d treat the symptoms. I was so skinny, sleeping about 2 hours a night, and just edgy. Finally my doctor did a blood test and she realized the problem. I was diagnosed on a Monday afternoon and I was swallowing a radioactive iodine pill the next day. I didn’t really have time to figure out what Graves was.
Went through the treatment and later that year I asked my gynecologist about becoming pregnant. I was married and we’d been kinda trying. More like just hoping it would happen. Long story short he said that it would be doubtful that I could get pregnant and if I did, he didn’t think I’d be able to carry to full-term. Having hyperthyroidism for so long was probably why I couldn’t conceive. So, at 35 I learned I’d never have a baby. A bummer.
My mom wanted me to go through fertility treatment, but I decided not to go that route. For months I was sick and seeing doctors with the Graves. I just didn’t want to deal with all that goes along with it and didn’t want to take any more medicine. I TOTALLY understand why people do it, and my mom for months kept talking to me about it. But I decided that things happen for a reason and I just wasn’t meant to be a parent.
As I get older and as my mom gets older, I have some guilt. Maybe I should have gone the fertility route. I feel bad for not being able to give my parents grandkids. Luckily my brother has two amazing kids so they are grandparents. As the oldest and the only daughter, I just have some leftover guilt for not being able to give them grandkids. Seeing my friends kids accomplish things also makes me feel a bit guilty and it makes me sad. There are so many things I’ll never experience.
I’m so lucky my mom is still here and I’m so grateful for all of my friends. Once in a while though, I get sad. It doesn’t last long but I figured it was time for me to acknowledge it. Helps me get past it!
Of course, I’m not sure I could deal with a younger version of me! I was a handful from about 9 years-old until I was in my 20’s. Not a surprise to you I’m sure! I think about myself as a teen and WHEW! A little version of me may have been scary! LOL!
Humor is what always gets me through! And if you’re a mom or mom figure, I hope you had an delightful and special weekend! If you are unable to have kids, just know you aren’t alone. And if you’re like me and only have “fur babies”, just think: we don’t have to pay for college! 😉
