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It happens every December. The mail carrier delivers Christmas cards to my house, I open the envelopes, and suddenly I’m infected with the scourge of the season: glitter. GAH! WHY!?! If you’re with me in this aversion to the sparkly plague that attaches itself to anything with which it comes into contact, stay strong, for there is hope.

Scientists are calling for a global ban on glitter and other microplastics, saying that they are hazardous to wildlife and the environment. That’s right. Not only is glitter excruciatingly annoying and difficult to get out of your clothes, food, hair, and eyes; it’s literally ruining the world. I knew it.